As my mentor sits opposite me and I pour out my worries and thoughts, his eyes glance behind me and I can tell he would rather be somewhere else. He’s always so keen to meet up for coffee, yet whenever we do he is easily distracted. Am I boring? Are my worries too trite?
We’ve all been in a conversation with body language like that; when the flicking eyes tell you they are not really present. I’m sure I’m guilty of doing it from time to time and I don’t want to be that guy. I can get away with things like that and still be a good mentor. But I don’t want to be a good mentor, I want to be a great one. A great mentor has great skills and great attitude.
As with any Christian role, there is a temptation to attach an unhealthy amount of self-meaning and identity to that role. We need to ensure that the core need of the young person isn’t overpowered by our own agenda. For example, just because you can get away with preaching at your mentee every week, doesn’t mean you couldn’t make more of a difference to them if you changed your approach to one they would appreciate more.
Imagine Chris mentors Zak. Chris has been doing this for years and has many great icebreakers and games up his sleeve to keep sessions fun and upbeat. Relationships like this keep Chris’s diary full and everyone thinking he is a great youth worker. And he is. Yet, by perpetuating this pattern he is keeping things superficial (and kinaesthetic learner Zak, though dutifully engaging, seems bored by it). Chris knows this is the easy road. He can persevere, trying to go deeper with what is essentially not a bad relationship – or he can put his comfortable mentoring back in the drawer and spend more time planning and experimenting with new ways of doing mentoring that are harder work and more risky but will ultimately engage better with Zak’s real needs. Focus on being great for your young people, not just good. How can you raise your game?
Here are a few prompts:
- What has been the most effective question / approach so far?
- What kind of session would your mentee most enjoy?
- What are your weakest mentoring qualities?
- What are the differences in expectations between you and your mentee?
- What is the easiest kind of mentoring for you? Is this what your mentee most needs?
- On a scale of 0-10, how great is your attitude towards your mentoring?
- How aspiring are you with your mentoring?
- What one thing would your mentee love to leave this relationship having gained? Is this what you would love them to have gained? Which is more important?
Joel Toombs has spent more than ten years in youth work and has an MA in Christian mentoring. See grovebooks.co.uk for his booklet, Mentoring and young people.
