Andy de Feu from Moorlands College sets out the foundations for good conversations about faith and life in your family
Recognising the importance of the home
I don’t know if you knew this already, but you parents are scary to many younger youth workers.
When we get it wrong – which we inevitably will (e.g., leave a child at the bowling alley, forget to give a trigger warning about the video we are using, think that vegan will cover gluten free), we understand your wrath, even if mediated through the church leaders. You know your young person better than us, and we do recognise that.
We also recognise that we are normally far more temporary. You are often (and hopefully) permanent and established whereas we are often fleeting. Our temporary nature is not always our choice but either way, you don’t walk away as easily.
Studies have also consistently shown that your influence far outweighs that of media or peers (or youth workers!). Whatever headlines you hear and whatever anecdotal evidence you see, research is clear: almost always, you matter way more than we do.
So, we want to work with you, to support you in your parenting, and in the work of passing on the faith. Your work is deeply biblical; whether rooted in the Jewish tradition to “impress the commands on your children, talking about them in the home and on the streets” (Deuteronomy 6:7), or seeing the pattern in the life of Timothy, whose faith had clearly been shaped by that of his mum and gran (2 Timothy: 1). The good news about Jesus is said to be caught as much as taught, and so your own faith journey and relationship with Jesus is vital and the church partnering with you is essential.
As a parent you want to see your child thrive, and that is spiritual as much as it is physical, intellectual, emotional or social. This series that we start today will equip you to feel more confident in how to go about nurturing faith and connecting the biblical dots in the middle of providing a taxi service, out of hours A&E, overdraft facility, hotel and restaurant. And that’s just the thin end of the parenting wedge.
the environment can radically influence how a conversation goes down
Hello sofa
It’s funny how the environment can radically influence how a conversation goes down. I ran a boys discipleship group in my lounge, which typically meant talking gaming, sports and constant banter, until, that is, I lit the fully-risk-assessed open fire. Absolute game-changer. It’s the ultimate eye-candy. Wild, hypnotic, always hungry, yet contained. It was staring into the flames that the lads felt able to access and then share some of the deeper questions they faced. Conversely, the church I led had a “Snug” room where we would sometimes gather with young people. But it was anything but that – a cold space with bare walls at the back of the kitchen. Lovely. The only depth we achieved was in terms of thermal layers needed to get through the evening.
One of the biggest skills to learn is how to create space for conversation. Trial and error suggest there are three main steps (there’s always three!).
First, triage the situation. Does it require an immediate response, can it wait, or is it just distraction? Our daughter sometimes throws in a super heavy question as we are about to turn off the lights. Sure, it could be pure procrastination, but equally it might be a genuine opportunity that may not come around again for some time. This is the stage to listen well.
The second step is to frame your response. If you have just stood on LEGO, or you have already wrestled back frustration about the over-use of the floordrobe, we have a saying that really helps: “That’s a really important question but now is not the time or the place. Can we agree to talk about it tomorrow?” You almost always have more time than you think. 1 Peter 3:15 says “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” but it finishes by saying that we are to do that “with gentleness and respect”. Being gentle, respectful and the like is hard when the pre-frontal cortex is overwhelmed by stress, but communicating that you take the question seriously is important.
Finally, arrange the furniture. If it’s an immediate response in the bedroom, move closer. If it’s after school the next day, find the comfy sofa. If it’s on the weekend, agree to talk as you take them to their game or weekend activity (amazing how much easier it is to talk when you can stare at the car in front).
Where are we going?
We going to journey with you in a mini-series on this. We are going to normalise some of the challenges of parenting young people as they navigate growing up in a fragmented and complex world. We will spend time on the questions they ask… and those they don’t, exploring the place of doubt, the supernatural, cultural forces, the integrity of Christian belief and ultimate questions. We’ll be looking at the following questions:
- Is God dead?
- Is all religion the same?
- Why do people need to be fixed?
- Who matters to God? Crisis, connection and God on TikTok
- Why do I need Jesus?
Start the journey now: Is God dead?
This series is drawn from Follow, a brand-new video series for young people from Moorlands College. Find the series here
