Pete Killingley focuses on the concerns around social media use and what Christian parents should do in response. For an alternative perspective click here.
Parenting is and has always been a challenge. Teenagers find ways to push boundaries. That’s been the story forever. But in the digital age, the world of smartphones, selfies, nudes, social media and AI, today’s teenagers face challenges that most of us didn’t have when we were growing up.
This is an issue we’re working through in my family. Our daughter (17) recently got an Instagram account (she first asked for one three years ago). Our son (14) recently asked if we could turn off restricted mode on YouTube. The answer was no, but we had a good conversation about it.
Many parents have felt out of their depth in dealing with these issues, and have devoured Jonathan Haidt’s recent book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Wiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. It’s an alarmist title for sure, but there is plenty in the book that resonates and Christians can agree with.
Why are they an anxious generation?
Haidt says that, in recent decades, parents have overprotected their children in the real world, while under protecting them in the online world. We’ve slowly switched from a ‘play-based childhood’ to a ‘phone-based childhood.’ And the results are disheartening – an increase in anxiety, depression and self-harm, particularly among girls, that begun in around 2010 – around the time the iPhone was popularised. He presents data showing how this has happened in various nations. It can be hard to prove causation rather than simply correlation, but in my view, Haidt does this well. It’s easy to dismiss his work as the latest moral panic, but it chimes with what many parents are seeing and experiencing, which is perhaps why his book has resonated so strongly.
There’s so much good about technology and the internet, and the answer is not to throw away our children’s phones, or bar them from social media until they turn 18. But we do need to be aware of the dangers that excessive screen time, or social media access, can bring.
Firstly, harmful content. The average age for first viewing pornography is 12, and 95% of children have seen sexually explicit material online by the time they reach 14. While today’s parents may have occasionally seen pornography when they were at school, it is so much more accessible today, and much more extreme than in decades past.
Secondly, harmful behaviour. It used to be that when someone bullied you, that stopped when you got home. Home was a safe place. But now the cyberbully can keep messaging even if the child is in their room.
Thirdly, and this is where Haidt focusses most, there’s the harmful developmental impact of a ‘screen-based childhood’. It’s complex and there’s disagreement around the evidence, but teens who spend more time using social media are more likely to suffer depression and anxiety. Whereas those who spend more of their time in embodied, real-world relationships, whether that be team sports, religious communities, or whatever else, are more likely to have better mental health. In addition, there’s evidence showing how high social media and phone use impacts sleep, causes attention fragmentation, and, particularly for girls, can negatively impact self-image.
What do we do with all of this? As Christians, we want to develop a healthy theology of technology. It is part of God’s good creation – yet it is marred by the fall. We must resist any worldview that tells us that technology is an untrammelled good, or a dangerous evil. Nor, in fact, is technology neutral – neutrality implies that it has no impact on those who use it, which has never been true.
As parents, the key is teaching our children to navigate the online world, just as we do the physical world. In the kitchen, we don’t lock away all the knives until their 18th birthday. We train them from a young age, starting with a blunt knife, starting with high levels of supervision. And as they grow, and show their ability to handle responsibility, they’re allowed to use the sharper knives, when the parent isn’t in the room. The same must be true in training our children to manage their screen time, to use social media responsibly, and to browse the internet wisely.
What should parents do? Three C’s to equip your children
Conversation. For us, it’s not just about a list of rules, something we impose from the top down. Our kids will just see that as unnecessarily restrictive. We want to talk with them, so they can learn to think for themselves. We want them to use tech wisely, not just fear the possible negatives. It’s not just a single conversation, but an ongoing one. I find that driving in the car is often a good time to chat about these things.
But we do also need constraints. They’re neither the beginning or the end of the story, but we do need to think about what restrictions to put in place, and how to make them effective. What rooms of the house can they use their phone in and at what time of day? What apps can they download? What websites can they visit? Who can have their phone number? How long can they use the phone for each day? There’s no one-size-fits-all to those questions, and it’ll depend on your child and their particular struggles and temptations. But, in conversation with your child, come up with some constraints that fit them, and be clear about what they are.
The third ‘c’ is character. Amidst all the conversations and constraints, we must not forget the purpose of parenting. It’s not simply protection, but formation. How are we teaching and shaping them in light of the Word of God, to face both the online and offline world?
And on top of it all, grace. You’ll get this wrong. That doesn’t condemn your child to lifelong phone addiction, because you weren’t strict enough, or you were too strict. And they’ll get things wrong. Maybe they’ll visit websites they shouldn’t or do something behind your back. But we believe in a God of grace who works through every moment in our lives to make something beautiful.
Robin Barfield has given an alternative view here.
