Youth work problems

DEAR YOUTH WORK PROBLEMS, Two of our young people have just started going out, and they are pretty central to the group. This has changed the dynamic and I’m worried about what would happen if they broke up. What should I do?

I can still remember my first youth group crush. He was my age. He played the guitar (of course) and he loved Jesus. It was, alas, utterly unrequited. I was gutted. But I wonder now if our youth leaders (and probably our fellow youth group members!) might not have been a bit relieved. I defy any youth leader to be around a group of young people for more than a few weeks and not start to see these situations develop. Get a group of teenagers together, add some shared interest, some laughter, sprinkle on some hormones and you’ve got a recipe for a teenage romance.

On lots of levels, the circumstance you find yourself in is one for celebration. I often think it’s a mark of great taste when one of the young people in the group develops an interest in another. Equally, it’s a great reflection on the relationship that you’ve built with these young people that they feel that the youth group space is a safe place for them to begin to navigate the tricky world of romantic relationships. But that’s not to say that this won’t make life a bit tricky. As I’m sure we all know, all changes in group dynamics require wisdom, pragmatism and compassion from the group leaders.

In this case, it’s your job to model the kind of interaction you’re expecting from them. As youth leaders it’s not up to us to stop relationships developing, or even to determine what they should look like – even if we could save a lot of drama and heartache! It’s our job to make our groups safe and positive spaces for every group member to develop more fully into the people they are.

With that in mind, the place to start is to have a think about what boundaries you need to put in place for your group. We’ve all had friends who became unbearable to be around once they became a couple. It’s an important skill to learn what it looks like to be a couple while continuing to invest in other relationships as well. You might like to consider making it a value of your group: that together you will be committed to inclusive friendships where no one gets left out. Your dating couple, and all the other group members, might need some support along the way to figure out what that looks like and how to do it, but it’s a valuable skill.

You might also want to think about a few of these questions: what is acceptable behaviour for a couple in the context of the youth group? Are you happy for them to go off together for quiet couple-y chats? Or would you rather they see youth group as a space to interact wth others, not just as a couple? Take some space to consider what boundaries you feel will nurture both the group and the couple.  

Secondly, if you’re not already, it’s time to start talking about sex and relationships. This doesn’t necessarily mean you immediately sit everyone down for ‘the sex chat’, though it’s important to have sessions based around this topic. It could just mean you intentionally look for opportunities in conversations to discuss values around sex and relationships. There are loads of great resources, training, podcasts and talks for you to go to for inspiration if you’re feeling a little overwhelmed by the prospect. I’d recommend The dating dilemma by Rachel Gardner and Andre Adefope as a place to start.

Thirdly, we need to remember we can’t sort the future, we can only operate with wisdom and compassion in the present. The reality is we just don’t know where these two young people will end up from this moment. They could be those slightly unsettling types who end up marrying their youth-group sweetheart, in which case, all you’ll need to navigate is figuring out what it looks like to have a couple in the heart of your group… and then plan your wedding sermon. Or they may follow a different trajectory and at some point choose to end their relationship. We don’t get to know that, nor do we get to control the outcome. We just get to help them and the rest of the group navigate the ride well.

In the end, it’s important to recognise that even a break-up isn’t a disaster - it’s an opportunity. We are not at all good at healthy break-ups in the Church. They are either embarrassing failures or disastrous misunderstandings. As youth leaders, wouldn’t it be amazing if we could help our young people reclaim the art of breaking up well? The end of dating relationship can and should be a positive and healthy choice that leads on to a new stage and type of relationship. It doesn’t need to be the disaster we all fear it will be nor does it need to be destructive to the environment around it. The young people in question, and even the wider group, may need support in navigating their feelings, however it might end. But we believe that God designed us for communities that weather the storms life throws at them, communities where pain and anger is met with grace and commitment, communities that are held together by more than nice feelings and fun experiences.

The chances are that Jesus didn’t have to deal with this dynamic. But he did deal with brothers who had a temper, disciples jostling to be the most important, and ultimately handling a group with a betrayer in its heart. Through all these things, he loved, he challenged, he spoke wisdom and he walked with them. When it comes to these dating relationships, unrequited crushes and break-ups in youth groups, I don’t think we could do much better than that.