Question #1 One of our children gets really upset whenever we talk about Jesus dying. What should we do about it?
A. On the face of it, this reaction is quite shocking and it’s easy to assume that something has gone wrong and that we should now try and solve this problem and put everything right. But when you stop to think about it the reaction is completely understandable in the face of a really difficult story and isn’t solvable with a neat answer. There is, however, much to learn from this situation.
Let’s start with the way the child has responded to Jesus’ death. There’s no escaping that this is, on first glance a horrible story: Jesus, the hero of the story, is brutally killed, rejected and humiliated in an unexpected twist to a tale of an amazing man full of goodness and love. If you’d never read the story before you’d be shocked too, but we’re so used to it that perhaps we forget the impact it would have when encountered afresh.
Of course, even the bleakness of the passion narrative is laced with hope of what is to come, and in encountering the story as grown-ups we are able to place it within the wider narrative of Jesus’ life and God’s plan to redeem the world. Children will find that connection harder to make as they are not yet abstract thinkers, so their experience of stories tends to be immersive, with the child ‘entering into the story’ to explore it through their imaginations rather than standing back from it to consider its context. This means that however powerful that story may feel to us, it’s stronger for a child. Stories of this nature need to be handled with care around children: not avoided but presented carefully, realising that children will be deeply invested in them.
The next stage here, and the one that you are at with this child, is to help the child to process the story. There will be a temptation to try and ‘solve the problem’ by teaching the child that it’s fine because Jesus comes back to life, but you’ll miss out on something deeper that will come from the child finding meaning in the story themselves. This will take time and effort, but it’s a really important thing to do. Some children will process with art, others want to talk, some will use toys to re-enact it, others will just quietly think. There’s no wrong answer here, the principle is that you give the children the space to do that processing.
This might take a long time and the child may need to come back to the story again and again until they feel happy to leave it alone. Practitioners of Godly Play, where all the stories in the curriculum are available to be played with each week, report children returning to play with a story for several weeks as they process it.
It is hard to do this as our instinct is to want to help, but we are better off getting out the way and letting the child set the pace. When opportunities emerge, ask open-ended questions that help the child explore, rather than closed ones with right or wrong answers. So when they say that they don’t want to go to church ask them why, and when they explain ask why they feel that. Keep on asking and allowing them to talk. The moment you try and take control and bring them to what you think they should be thinking you’ll shut down their processing: they’ll struggle to see beyond what you are telling them and what they were feeling about the story will be buried for the time being.
To sum up, don’t worry; this reaction is a sign of your child having a deep connection with the story and with the person in it. This is good, but it means that the sadness of this bit of the story is especially hard. Don’t worry, give them time and space to process, affirm how they are feeling and talk about it lots. Over time, the child will sort this out in their thinking. You just need to support them through it.
Sam Donoghue is the head of children’s and youth ministry support for the Diocese of London, and co-editor of Premier Childrenswork
Question #2 The children in my group have just got back from summer festivals. How can I show them that God is the same in our group on Sunday and bring all of their experiences together?
A. It comes as no surprise that children find it easier to be expectant of what God might do in a marquee, cowshed or hall full of children, while away from home and surrounded by other Christians who are more expectant of God. I would argue that us grown-ups tend to be the same (or worse!) and we’re well aware that God is the same God in our churches on a Sunday as he is at camps and festivals. So how can we encourage the kids in our churches to arrive on a Sunday with the same expectancy of God?
Firstly, share stories of God at work. Ask the children to share their experiences and celebrate what God is doing in the lives of those who have been at these festivals, but also those who haven’t. I would encourage you to make a big deal of sharing these stories. It could be an amazing opportunity to introduce sharing testimonies into your Sunday morning groups on a regular basis. Testimonies are an incredible tool; they’re so encouraging to those who hear them, they speak volumes to those who are yet to ‘get it’ and what’s incredible is that they’re coming from the mouths of other children! They will also allow you to gauge where the kids are in their journeys with God. It may be that they’ve been praying for healing or hearing God speak to them. How amazing it would be to continue exploring these gifts during the time you spend with the kids. Often during festivals and camps, the dramatic, life-changing testimonies, which are definitely worth sharing, are showcased, however, we must also recognise and celebrate God at work in our everyday lives, however small it may seem.
Secondly, be bold in declaring who God is and what he’s done in all that you do: in the prayers, sung worship and Bible stories. Declare that this same God who parted the sea for Moses, who protected Daniel and who raised Jesus from the dead is working in our lives and is with us today and always.
Abi Hedges is children’s pastor at St Paul’s Ealing
