This crying young woman was the third meeting in a single day, all in my office, where I had spoken ‘the truth’ to someone, only to have them end up in tears. After the first of these meetings, I felt a rush, a power, a confidence that I was doing what leaders do. After the second, my confidence waned a bit, and I had an inner Scooby-Doo saying, ‘Huh?’ But the third meeting, well that started me on a path of change.
I’d always been a leader who was willing to be vocal with my thoughts and opinions (I’m sure, much to the frustration of everyone in my life). On those spiritual gifts tests, I’d always scored a flat-lined zero in the area of mercy. And here’s the silly part: I was proud of that.
When I worked in a church going through a massive transition, I was asked to be on a transitional leadership team and was taken under the wing of the two older pastors leading the process. They were both naturally gifted leaders, but had similarly convinced themselves of the strength of their weaknesses. In fact, I remember to this day the exact wording of the mentoring I received from the two of them in one meeting: they said, ‘Marko, your lack of mercy is the strength of your leadership.’ As embarrassing and stupid as it sounds to me now, in that moment it sounded good to me. And so for the next few years, I steamrollered people left and right under the guise of ‘strong biblical leadership.’ What a misguided idiot.
But that crying young woman loosened something in me. And through divine revelation or long overdue common sense (probably or a combination of the two), I immediately knew I needed to change. But I had no idea how to make that happen (and, I was accustomed to ‘making’ everything happen in my world).
I’LL NEVER BE PERFECT, BUT I’M STILL CALLED TO RIGHTEOUSNESS; I’LL NEVER LOVE PERFECTLY, BUT I’M STILL CALLED TO BE LOVING
I carefully selected two older men who I perceived as strong but merciful leaders, and asked them to mentor me in the areas of mercy and gentleness. At one of my first meetings with one of these guys, he stated the should-have-been-obvious: I couldn’t make myself have mercy, I could only ask God to give me mercy, and pursue a life of mercy. The other guy helped me understand something that became a framing idea for me: I’ll likely never score high in mercy on spiritual gifts tests but I can still grow in mercy. This same kind of parallel plays out all over my life (I’ll never be perfect, but I’m still called to righteousness; I’ll never love perfectly, but I’m still called to be loving).
These two new understandings re-framed leadership and mercy for me, and put me on a multi-year quest of change. I met with these mentors, I read books on mercy (and the kind of leadership that was more Jesus-y than CEO-like), I journaled and prayed and I asked friends to help me.
About two years later (yes, it took that long!), I received a great double-confirmation from God that I was making progress. In the span of one week, I had someone comment to me (who didn’t know of my quest) how gentle they thought I was. I could hardly believe someone would ever use that word to describe me. Then, a few days later, one of the administrative assistants of the church told me that the other admins had a nickname for me: the gentle steamroller. I laughed out loud when I heard this: yep, I still had that steamroller way about me at times and I’m not even sure what a ‘gentle steamroller’ would be. But I responded, ‘Hey, I’ll take that!’ I thought it was the best compliment I’d received in a long time.
As I write this, it’s about 18 years later. I’m still a merciless jerk on a regular basis. I am still very capable of possessing the gentleness of a sledgehammer from time to time (and even of being momentarily proud of it). But I can see change. I wish it were more immediate. The only thing that was immediate was my recognition of need for change. The process of change has been, and will continue to be, a long, slow journey of transformation.
How are you changing? Which of your rough edges need some Holy Spirit sandpaper?
