I’m not a huge fan of confrontation. My natural inclination is to run away from potential conflict rather than towards it. My default is to let a problem go and hope that it will resolve itself, rather than to bring it up and address it. Unfortunately, I have had to learn that this is poor - even dangerous - leadership. Over the last two years the primary leadership lesson I have had to learn is how to engage in healthy conflict.
So let me ask you a question. What are the things in your youth ministry that everyone knows are there but no one is talking about? What are ‘the elephants in the room’? As the leader, it is your responsibility to shoot the elephant. What’s more, the time that elapses between an issue arising and it being addressed is hugely significant, because it is in the gap that your culture is established.
In November 2015, I took a bunch of students to launch a new youth club in Malvern. We decided from the outset that, because we were going to be starting from scratch and working largely with non-Christians, we needed to set a strong culture from the start, keeping in mind what we wanted the club to eventually become. Our hope was that young people would come to faith, and the chosen means for this was a section within the night we called ‘The comfy chair’ (essentially a testimony slot with a jingle!), which would become the centre-point of the club. It was absolutely crucial that the young people were fully attentive during this slot, however, a couple of months in one of our regular young people brought a friend with her, and when it came to the slot and testimony was being shared, the new girl began chatting to her friend.
What do you do in that situation? This girl was new, we were so glad she came, and we wanted her to come back next week, so with that in mind, would it be best to leave her to her conversation to ensure she had a great night? Or should it be confronted at the risk of offending her and putting her off from coming again? I know what I would lean towards, and I certainly know which is the easy option… but what is easy and what is best are very rarely the same.
Almost immediately one of our team who was sitting at their table leaned over and gently asked them to stop talking. They did, and she came back again next week. What’s more, we have never had an issue with anyone talking during the comfy chair since. Why? Because it is in the gap between a problem arising and it being addressed that your culture is established. Our team member understood the culture we were trying to set, and because of the courage he showed in his willingness to confront the issue immediately, he protected and further established that culture.
There is a direct correlation between confrontation and culture. The level to which you are willing to confront issues is the level to which you establish and protect your culture. This applies equally to your team. If you address an issue with a team member you have a chance of upsetting them, but leave it unaddressed and you have a chance of upsetting the entire team.
In the early days of our club, one of our team members, who is a fantastic leader and phenomenal youth worker, got in to a habit of arriving a few minutes late to our team meetings. Everyone knew it, but no-one was saying it: elephant alert! Had I allowed it to continue I would have been unwittingly communicating to the whole team that it’s OK to show up late. So I rallied myself, fought against my inner-desire to avoid confrontation and explained that it was not OK to come late because that devalues the time of everyone else. Now he very rarely comes late, and when he does (as we all do from time to time), he is quick to apologise. Culture established.
How to shoot the elephant
QUICKLY
At the risk of repeating myself: it is in the gap between a problem arising and it being addressed that your culture is established. Don’t delay that conversation you know you really need to have.
PRIVATELY
Unless an issue has to do with your entire team or youth group, do not address it publicly. This will only humiliate the person you are confronting and is thus more likely lead to a breakdown in relationship than a change in behaviour. Instead, sit with them one-to-one so that a meaningful conversation can take place.
GENTLY
Confrontation doesn’t have to mean conflict: this isn’t a telling off. This isn’t about you exerting your authority. So think carefully about the tone of your voice and your use of body language. Be gentle and open-handed rather than aggressive and finger-pointing!
CANDIDLY
That said, don’t beat around the bush. If it’s bad, say it’s bad! Don’t water down the issue because you’re worried about upsetting them, because if you do it’s more likely to happen again.
CLEARLY
Be absolutely clear about what the problem is, what needs to change and the consequences of repeated behaviour. I would even encourage you to make a mutually agreed upon written record of the conversation to avoid any potential misunderstanding.
GRACIOUSLY
Any confrontation, even if it includes some kind of discipline, must be restorative rather than punitive. Our heart in addressing the issue is not to put someone down or make them feel guilty, it is to see them fulfil their potential.
ENCOURAGINGLY
There may be an issue, but it’s very unlikely that it’s all bad. So this one to one is a great opportunity to encourage, build up and affirm the person you are talking too. Think before you meet about some of the wonderful qualities and contributions of this individual, and be sure they leave the meeting with those things ringing in their ears.
I pray that God gives you the courage and wisdom to graciously ‘shoot the elephant’. Happy hunting!
Tim Alford is Serious4God’s national director
