The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge visited us for the second time on 11th March, this time because they wanted to hear specifically about mentoring and the huge difference that a positive relationship can make on a young person’s life. It was a brilliant day with the highlight being, as always, hearing the young people explain to the royal couple how their lives have been turned around. At the end of the afternoon they got into their car, waving to the crowds lining the street, and drove away. The paparazzi cleared away their step ladders. The guests went their separate ways. At XLP, we’re back to reality again.
Now what?
That’s the question that can often crop up after these events. These wonderfully uplifting and encouraging snippets of life can combine to form a highlight reel that may (or may not) impress funders and congregations when I tell them about the work of XLP. But anyone involved in youth work knows that the highlight reel does not reflect the reality of 99 per cent of life as a youth worker. Yet the 99 per cent of the time is when young people’s lives are truly changed.
Unanswered voicemails
So what does that 99 per cent consist of? It involves showing up even when you don’t expect the young person to. It’s leaving a seventh unanswered voicemail to show the young person that you still care. It’s listening when a young person shares something that is important to them. It consists of hearing the dreaded news that a young person has done something that they had been doing so well to avoid. It’s never giving up. The Bible calls this faithfulness – never giving up even when everything the other person is doing suggests that you should and even when they want you to! God is called faithful – and we are called to be like that.
At XLP I have the privilege of working with some brilliantly skilled youth workers, but the heart of what they’re doing, what really changes the lives of the young people they work with, comes not from a degree or masters, or from many years of experience working with young people. What really changes lives is a commitment to never give up, a commitment to walk alongside that young person for the long haul, whatever comes their way and whatever decisions they make. Real change comes through a trusted and faithful relationship.
Although it can be comforting to cling onto the latest six-week programme or week-long residential as the solution to all the issues a young person faces (and within the context of a relationship, these can no doubt be hugely helpful), there is actually something hugely liberating about accepting this much simpler and more accessible solution. It means that anyone can make a difference in a young person’s life. Nothing has more powerfully demonstrated this than our mentoring programme.
Derek and Luke
In 2009 we began asking volunteer mentors in London to give up two hours a week to meet with a young person for at least a year. They come from all walks of life with an age range stretching over 50 years. The stories we hear from these slowly-built, long-haul relationships are amazing and two of them are included at the end of this article. However, the one which sticks in my mind is a young person, Luke, who we connected with a mentor, Derek. Luke was facing huge challenges within his family and was on his last warning before being expelled from school. For their first session they arranged to meet for an hour in a local park at 5pm. The mentor turned up five minutes early just in case and sat on a bench.
It got to five past and Luke hadn’t yet shown up but, not deterred, Derek stuck around. At quarter past Derek gave him a call and it went to voicemail. At half past, he called again with no luck. At 6pm, he had another quick look around and reluctantly went home without seeing Luke. The next day Luke told him that something had come up which is why he didn’t make it but they arranged to meet at the same time and same place the following week.
The next week, the time came and went with Luke nowhere to be seen. Derek again waited on the bench until 6pm before leaving. He rung Luke up who offered his excuses again, they arranged a time for the following week and Luke didn’t show up again.
On the fifth week of this happening, Derek turned up to the park five minutes early wondering why he was bothering. He waited until quarter past and was thinking about going home when, out of nowhere, Luke appeared and sat down beside him. Derek asked him where he had been. Luke said that he had been hiding behind a tree, pointing to the other side of the park. Luke later revealed that he had been there every week for the last five weeks. Every week he waited to see if Derek would give up on him. But Derek never did.
For young people like Luke, too many people have come and gone in their life. Luke needed to know that Derek was someone that he could trust to stick around if he let him into his life. It’s easy to look back at that story with hindsight and applaud Derek’s persistence but we should never forget that Derek could never have been certain that Luke was going to turn up. Likewise, with many of our young people, in the midst of the most challenging times, the dramatic turnaround often feels far from certain.
Holding onto hope
Last year was a tough year for us at XLP. Alongside an increase in knife crime generally in London, two young people who regularly attended our projects were stabbed and killed within a week of each other. It’s at times like that when holding onto hope, to the fact that God is building his kingdom on Earth, can be toughest. Yet that is also when it is most necessary.
Apart from the mentoring training we gave him, Derek had no particularly relevant youth work skills. And to be honest, any he did have would not have helped him. What Derek had was a determination to hold onto hope in the challenging times and to continue showing up. That kind of persistent and faithful love has power to change lives. How can I say this with such certainty? Because it’s the very same love that God has shown me.
Ezekiel 16 tells of a groom who gave everything to his bride to bring her out of the hopeless place she was in. In return he was rejected, cheated on and betrayed. It’s a pretty shocking read, culminating in the wife sacrificing their children. It’s a stark image and God was using it to illustrate how Israel had treated him. No one would have begrudged the husband completely cutting ties with his wife as a result of what happened. Yet we know now that in reality God never did let go. And he never will. God never gives up on us and he demonstrated that through the cross.
By our own strength, picking ourselves up to continually keep going, to not give up, can feel impossible. Yet, rooted in the incessant love of God, we find that new levels of grace and patient endurance are available to us. This is what really excites me. There is massive potential for the Church to have a hugely significant role in changing a whole generation of young people growing up in challenging circumstances.
I was in a meeting recently with a senior government minister to discuss mentoring and he was clearly struggling with how to scale this model up to impact a large proportion of young people around the country. I asked him if he had considered working through the most widespread, well-connected, community-rooted institution that exists in this country: the Church.
Many of our friends have asked us to replicate our mentoring across the country. However, we are very aware that the context in Sunderland is very different to the context in Devon, which is in turn very different to London; our friends living in those communities understand their communities much better than we do. So instead we decided to set up our national mentoring programme, not with the aim of XLP’s logo covering the length and breadth of the UK, but instead with the aim of giving away everything that we know about mentoring to churches across the country so that they can set up and run their own mentoring programmes.
The results have already been more incredible than we could have ever imagined. Equipped with the mentoring training and a ‘nevergive- up’ attitude, churches across the country, with a huge variety of members, all bringing their own personality to it, have succeeded in changing the lives of many young people in their area. One exceptional story came to us recently from Devon where the challenges for young people were centred on boredom, drugs and family breakdown. A mentee found that her family life was falling apart and, amazingly, the mentor was in a position to step in and officially foster their mentee. Faithfulness and relationship know few limits.
There is a church in every community in this country. It is no exaggeration to say that the Church has the potential to change the face of this nation and that is my dream. As challenging as that may sound, it comes down to one simple decision: because God walked with us, built a personal loving and faithful relationship with us and did not give up on us, we are going to do the same for the young people in our communities.
George’s story
George is 15 and lives with his aunt because his father has mental health challenges and is unable to care for him. Although intelligent, George struggles with depression, has little motivation in life and his school attendance was poor. When he did attend he would often fall asleep in lessons which led him to seriously underachieving academically.
George was matched with a mentor who used their mentoring sessions for him to catch up with his homework and coursework which helped him to feel more positive about his education. They also went on walks through the city and visited placed that broadened his horizons and opened his mind to the opportunities available to him on his doorstep.
While there have been peaks and troughs in George’s school attendance during his time with XL-Mentoring, the overall trend has been very positive and he is now back on track with his GCSE studies. George now intends to go on to his local sixth form college to study business.
Sally’s story
Sally is an only child and lives with her mother. She was referred to XL-mentoring because her teacher recognised that, although she is very able and intelligent, she lacked self-confidence and was easily influenced. Her peers would often tease and bully her into doing things that would get her in trouble. On one occasion, Sally stabbed a boy who she did not get on with in the head with a pencil and, as a result, was permanently excluded from school. Sally was matched with a mentor from a local church called Becky, who she got on well with and who was very good at affirming her.
Sally loves drama and Becky took her to a local drama group on a Saturday morning, where she learned to value herself, gained self-confidence and was taught techniques on how to manage her anger. Becky also worked with Sally on friendships and they began to pair up with another mentor and mentee on the project, from which a new, positive friendship developed. After proving that she had overcome her negative behaviour, Sally is now attending a new school and is enjoying the fresh start she has been given. Once she completes full-time education, she is keen to pursue a career in acting.
Patrick Regan OBE is founder and CEO of XLP. If you would like more information, or to book onto an XL-Mentoring course, please visit xlm.org.uk
