1. VINE
You know when really earnest preachers repeat the same phrase a few times in a row, growing more impassioned each time? Vine is the perfect medium for that; simply distil your key point down to a six-second clip, and play it on a loop for 20 minutes. That ought to make the point. That ought to make the point. That ought to make the point. That ought to make the point. That ought to make the point.
2. STAY AT HOME!
One of the main problems with going to church is the ‘going’ part of it. This problem can be solved by setting up a Google+ hangout, or Skype call every Sunday morning. Simply log on and tune in. It could prove problematic for the worship team, as the tiniest bit of ‘lag’ in the stream will result in the drummer being out of time, the bassist starting an impromptu solo and the leader singing a totally different song than the band is playing, but that will at least feel like a classic, old-school service.
3. BUZZFEEDIFY YOUR SERMON TITLE
Hugely popular websites garner heavy web traffic by doing certain things to their headlines. Learn from them with your next sermon title. Examples might include: ‘Which of Jesus’ disciples are you?’, ‘17 reasons not to have sex before marriage’ and ‘This man was crucified; you won’t believe what happened three days later…’
4. GET A HASHTAG
We all love tweeting sound-bites from the Sunday sermon, but what’s the correct hashtag to use? Make sure the congregation is aware of the correct one in order to reach your full trending potential, for example, #SPSES (St Peter’s Sunday Evening Service), #CCCCC (Crawley Community Church Communion Celebration), #ABCDEFG (Archbishop Blessing Carol’s Dog’s Ear For Growth) and #THISISDAFT (This Hilarious Idea Suits Individuals Sitting Daydreaming About Father Ted).
5. BE FLEXIBLE WITH THE START TIME
Did you know (this is a genuine fact) that the traditional start times for church services (10 AM and 6:30 PM) are based around the milking regime of dairy farmers? But in our fast-paced world, these times just don’t work any more – Sunday morning seems to be for watching the Hollyoaks omnibus, while evenings have been taken over by Countryfile. How can the church compete? Simple: make Sunday a whole day of church services, with 24 one-hour services over the course of the day. All people need to do is stay for an hour to get their spiritual nourishment for the week. If they turn up half an hour late they just get the service in the wrong order. Perfect.
