The advice states that, ‘It is important for parents to be interested and engaged in their children’s digital lives as early as possible’, that parents should recognise the benefits of the online world, and that ‘trust and communication are likely to be more helpful to the young person than attempts at surveillance’.
It’s almost as if they’ve been reading my book! In this, as always, I am keen to emphasise that recognising the benefits of the digital space – which includes understanding how to use parts of it, and addressing fears about technology – can help people use it more constructively. I always encourage those working with children to use a ‘walled garden’ of sites - and to be near their child while using the internet in the early years, gradually giving trust and power to children. This is summarised at the end of the book with this quote from Will Taylor, a communications specialist and Dad: ‘Do it for them; do it with them; watch while they do it; and let them do it for themselves.’
The most powerful tool in the toolbox for parents with regards to technology is communication. The more trustworthy people that children have to confide in, the less likely it is that they will turn to strangers for advice. So, how do parents ensure that they come to them for the support required? It is all down to communication.
If you do decide that you need to ‘monitor’ your child’s internet activity, it is much more helpful to do this openly and in conversation with your child. Undercover ‘spying’ was defined by Linda Blair (author of The Happy Child) as ‘incredibly damaging to the trust required for effective communication with a child’. If you have agreed to monitor, look at the stats together, and don’t assume the worst if they’ve clicked on a porn site for example, instead allow them the opportunity to say if anything has made them uncomfortable. Make it a normal part of everyday conversation to ask them what they’ve seen online, and encourage them to share both what excites them, and what worries them. Concentrate on developing positive behaviour in children, rather than focusing only on undesirable behaviour. Ensure that your children realise that you simply want to understand the spaces they are in, to encourage them to be responsible and help them understand that there’s good material online.
In the same way as you are beside your child when they learn to crawl, walk, and ride a bike, you have to teach them to respect the digital environment, look for the opportunities, and be aware of the potential dangers. Talk to them about what they are seeing and experiencing, give them freedom within boundaries as you would in any other space, get to know who they are friends with online, discuss costs and timing (and not just when these become a problem), define consequences, and consider particular scenarios and get them to think about how they might react.
The more you can be the person that your child wants to confide in, the less likely it is that they will turn to strangers for advice, or start self-harming because they feel they haven’t been listened to. If they know more than you, allow them to guide your adventures!
