The thing with celebrity relationships is that we only seem to talk about them when they go wrong. No one ever celebrates the faithfulness shown by couples in tough times, no one celebrates longevity, no one celebrates fidelity. What this means is that whenever relationships are unpacked and talked about, it’s in times of crisis or moments of infidelity (aside from the much-trumpeted celebrity weddings). Now look, obviously there’s not much traction to be gained in a ‘COUPLE STAYS TOGETHER’ headline, but think of the impact this approach to relationship-reporting has. Where are young people seeing positive role models of relationships? Just reflect on the most ‘newsworthy’ celebrity relationships of the last few years:
- Kanye West and Kim Kardashian: Seemingly most news-worthy whenever Kim poses in as few clothes as possible, or Kanye raps about having sex with Taylor Swift.
- Beyonce and Jay-Z: In the last year or so, they’ve started airing their dirty laundry in public, primarily through Queen B’s latest album, Lemonade.
- David Beckham and Victoria Beckham: When was the last time these two got any airtime? They seemed to only be on the cultural radar around the time of D-Beck’s alleged indiscretions.
- Taylor Swift and various: The media are constantly rushing around trying to figure out who the latest man on her arm is. RIP Hiddleswift.
- Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: We’ve covered this.
Obviously all of these couples share moments of love and intimacy, both in private and in the public eye, but those aren’t the stories which stick around the news cycle long enough creep into our shared consciousness.
Have we gone a bit askew with the balance between professionalism and vulnerability?
This presents both a challenge and opportunity for youth workers. The challenge is that nowhere in society talks about relationships in a healthy way. They’re either approached from a dramatic or transactional angle - either people are breaking up or using them for their own gain. And in a society where more and more young people are growing up without positive relationship role models in the family context, the next generation of relationship-makers might not be seeing the importance of long-term fidelity.
But here’s the opportunity: I wonder if we’ve gone a bit askew with the balance between professionalism and vulnerability. In an effort to distance ourselves, and protect both parties, are we honest enough about our relationship experiences? We’re happy to model so-called ‘spiritual’ practises, but are we honest about the rest of our lives*? (*Insert obvious caveat about how relationships are also spiritual here.)
This is more than being willing to talk about relationships in general terms, we have to be willing to share the bad as well as the good - if we’re doing youth ministry with our partner, do we model healthy disagreements? It’s striking that the only times many young people will ever see or talk about arguments is as a cause of a breakup or an overly-dramatic bust-up on TV. Maybe it’s just me, but our marital disagreements tend to be about watching too much sport on TV (me) or not doing the washing up (also me); the day-to-day mundane arguments aren’t a threat to the sanctity of marriage. Young people need to see that arguments don’t mean the end of relationships. They need to see that disagreements can be healthy conflicts leading to change. During the time me and my wife did youth work together, I wonder how much healthy disagreement we modelled; my hunch would be that it was pretty limited.
This isn’t just something for married couples. How powerful would it be for youth workers to be honest about pre-marital relationships, especially in a Christian context where often there is pressure to hurry along that process and make your way to the altar. Similarly with single youth workers; we’re all painfully aware that the Church is lousy in its provision for single people, so this is a space where youth leaders have the ability to be a lone, powerful voice. Young people aren’t going to judge anyone struggling with relationships or singleness, instead they’ll see a version of Christianity where everything isn’t hunky dory, where we hurt and long and mourn and weep. But our hope and rejoicing is immensely more powerful coming out of that. Our defeats make victory all the sweeter.
This will be uncomfortable. This might be scary. But, not only might it be transformative for a group of young people who have no idea what a healthy relationship even looks like, it has the potential to shed new light on the areas of our relationships which might need a bit of work before they’re suitable for the wider public. We need to front up to young people and model something powerful and transformative in our relationships, rather than hiding behind boundaries and professionalism. Because, as terrifying as it sounds, the relationships we model to young people might be the only healthy ones they ever see.
