Do you ever despair that being a youth worker is simply incompatible with a healthy work-life balance? CEO of urban youth charity XLP, Patrick Regan, shares his own experience of ‘running on empty’ and suggests ways to protect yourself - and those around you – from burning out.
When you tell people you’ve written a book about hope, they think you must be a born optimist. I wish that were true. The reality is, at times when I was writing No Ceiling to Hope, I questioned whether I should be doing it - when hope was the last thing that I felt.
My charity, XLP, started very small and I never imagined it would grow into the size that it has today, so I didn’t put any structures in place to help me deal with all that would get thrown my way. In short: I got myself into some bad habits. Over the years I’ve repeatedly pushed myself beyond my physical and emotional limits. I have demanded great sacrifices of myself, putting my own needs way down the bottom of the list of things to think about. One of the dangers in the church is that behaviour like that becomes a badge of pride – something that shows how good we are, how dedicated, how committed and how passionate for God. In reality these are shortcomings that can have damaging consequences for me and others around me. I wonder if this pattern sounds familiar to you: I would work way too hard and run myself into the ground. Then I’d see the damage this was doing and I’d force myself to rest for a short while before getting straight back into the craziness, and soon I’d be exhausted again. Somehow I managed to just about survive in this mode for years - until things took a dramatic turn for the worse.
Firstly, my daughter was taken to hospital with what some doctors said was a life-threatening condition. After eight weeks she had recovered only to then come down with glandular fever, which made her very sick for another few months. I was experiencing agonising pain in my knees which was diagnosed as being a degenerative knee condition. Not only was I not allowed to play football anymore (my main stress outlet), I was also told I will need major surgery that would potentially leave me unable to walk properly for two years. People rallied round and offered to pray, but when there were no signs of healing I put it down to my lack of faith and added that burden to myself.
I was really struggling with all the church politics connected to XLP too. I felt drained and disillusioned. People promised to support us and then we would never hear from them again. The Church criticised us for not being ‘Christian enough’, while those outside of the Church told us we were ‘too Christian’. Just when I thought I’d reached the end of myself, my dad got diagnosed with bowel cancer. He was supposed to be in hospital for a week but, with one complication after another, he ended up staying there for nine weeks and having four separate surgeries.
I tried to pray but didn’t feel like I got anywhere. My head was too full, my heart too heavy; my body hurt all over and I was depressed. I tried to put a brave face on it and said it was a tough season that would pass, but inside I felt like it would never end. I was losing hope. So many of us have been in this place - where life is confusing and we fl uctuate between faith and despair. We question God but then feel guilty for questioning him. We wait for a sign but nothing comes, and we feel utterly alone. I started to beat myself up for not praying hard enough. I compared the pain in my life with the daily reality of my friends’ lives in places like Ghana and Trenchtown, and felt guilty for struggling when they seemed so strong in the face of so much struggle. I questioned whether any of what was going on was because of my sin and I repented of everything I could think of. All these responses were just vicious cycles that trapped me in their spin, sending me spiraling further down.
I started getting angry and asking God why I was facing all of this. I ranted about how hard I’d worked, how much I’d tried to do God’s will, reminding him of the sacrifices I’d made, telling him life wasn’t being fair to me. All I wanted to shout was ‘Why me?’ And as I lay awake yet another night, unable to sleep, I came across this verse: ‘You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered into your ledger, each ache written in your book.’ (Psalm 56:8, The Message). Suddenly I didn’t feel quite so alone and I realised how isolated I had been feeling.
He is with us in the confusion, he is right beside us in our suffering and he understands exactly what we’re going through. Sometimes we seem to shrug off this amazing truth without actually taking it to heart. While I was dealing with all the things going on in my life, God said very clearly to me, ‘Let me love you.’ I shook it off ; that sounded a bit girly to me. Then someone prayed for me and said that when you run into trouble on an airplane, you have to put on your own oxygen mask to get your supply going before you can help anyone else. Slowly the truth dawned on me: I was trying to give something to other people that I didn’t have to give away. I must have preached hundreds of sermons on God’s love and yet ironically I needed to be told about God’s love again myself.
Remembering the basics
To receive God’s love, and try and get myself into a better place, I knew I needed to break some of my bad habits. I started to have a day off every week (something I always intended to do but it often got swallowed by something urgent). I also realised that I needed some help and support; I needed to be vulnerable with other people and not be a lone ranger who takes everything on himself. I started to open up to people about my struggles, got some prayer ministry and started seeing a counsellor to talk things through at a deeper level. Change doesn’t happen instantly (much to my annoyance!). It was a process of letting go, letting God love me and trusting in him. I needed to make some changes if I was going to be useful to God over the long-haul. God used the process to refi ne my character and help me see unhealthy habits I had picked up. It made me realise how often I unconsciously try and do things in my own strength and how, instead, I need to rely on God.
How about you? Does any of my story sound familiar? Are you resting, allowing God to love you, and operating out of that place in your ministry? Or are you run-ragged, nearing exhaustion and burnout and hoping to just make it through each day? Working with young people means there is a never-ending need – a constant stream of things that need to be done and conversations that need to be had. But when we are exhausting ourselves and running on empty, we’re taking on responsibility that isn’t ours. We can’t do everything and meet every need ourselves – it just isn’t possible! The truth is that we can’t give to others what we haven’t received. If we’re exhausted we can’t give out anymore. If we’re burnt out we’re of no use to anyone so we need to learn to spot the signs before we reach the burnout stage and give ourselves the rest we need. We need to look again at the example of our saviour and see that, though there were many demands on his time, and there was much he could have done, he only did what the father asked him to do. Like any loving father, God didn’t ask Jesus to work himself into the ground, and he doesn’t ask that of us either. He commands us to rest every single week because he knows it’s as essential for our minds and bodies as eating and drinking. If life is exhausting us and we’re starting to lose hope, we need to take stock and look at what rhythms we can introduce that will provide a healthier balance for us. We need to find time and space where we’re not giving out but where we can meet with God, and be his child again.
I’m trying to remember I am part of a big story, that I am his child and he promises never to leave me or forsake me. Some days I do ok, on others I get so frustrated with myself and I feel like I’m back to square one. Day by day I’m learning to give it all over to God, to trust him and to remember that it’s ok that I don’t have everything sorted. I’m not meant to do this on my own: it’s Christ in me that is the hope of glory.
Spotting signs of hopelessness • When we lose hope, we lose the motivation to act. Is there an area where you’ve given up because you feel all hope is lost? • Hopelessness often appears as apathy or cynicism. • Proverbs talks about a woman who laughed when she thought about the future (Proverbs 31:5). Are you excited about the future or does it fill you with dread?
Spotting burnout • Withdrawing from relationships (both work and personal). • Feeling bleak and not caring about anything. • Constantly feeling exhausted even after you’ve slept/rested. • Loss of motivation and feeling apathetic.
Safeguards • Plan your time off in advance and then protect it (write days / evenings off in your diary and treat them like any other important appointment that can’t be broken). • Be accountable. Have someone safe you can be vulnerable with, let off steam to and who will check up on how you’re doing. Give them permission to challenge you in this area. • Be disciplined and choose not to check emails late at night/on your day off. • It may be helpful to see a counsellor, especially if you already feel burnt out. • Study what the Bible has to say about rest to remind yourself of its importance and to keep guilt at resting away. • Find times when it is just you and God, without any agenda or anyone else to worry about. • Book in a retreat once a term.
PATRICk REGAN founded the charity XLP which serves thousands of young people and their families weekly in inner london. His work has involved engaging with politicians, gang members, victims, perpetrators, police and councils, and he was recently awarded an OBE. Patrick lives with his wife and four children in south-east London. Liza Hoeksma is the co-author of No Ceiling to Hope and a number of other books including Heart to Heart with Ali Martin. Patrick’s book No Ceiling to Hope: Stories of Grace in Action is available now via www.xlp.org.uk for £7.99
