Netflix, Gareth Southgate and the Centre for Social Justice all show lost boys are a problem, Ed Mackenzie suggests some ways for Christian parents to be a part of the solution
In recent weeks, the success of the Netflix drama Adolescence, with its visceral depiction of a teenage boy’s crime and its effects on his family, has led to widespread conversation on boys and masculinity. Sara Taylor has already helpfully explored ways in which this might inform parents in their relationship with kids.
To fill out the picture further, research on the challenges facing boys and young men is found in the Lost Boys: State of the Nation report released earlier this month by the Centre for Social Justice. The report highlights how boys are falling behind in a number of areas, including in education, employment, and health. Also, in his recent Dimbleby lecture, former English football manager Sir Gareth Southgate noted the significance of the report in sketching out some of the challenges boys and young men face.
As a dad of two teenage boys, the Lost Boys report is sobering reading. What can I do as a Christian dad to help shape my boys in a way that helps them to flourish, in life as well as in faith? And how can I influence the lives of other boys outside my home in the wake of the challenges they face?
While I don’t pretend to have all the solutions to this, four areas come to mind as I reflect on the report’s findings.
Firstly, it’s vital to be present to our sons within the home
As Lost Boys makes clear, boys gain hugely from fathers or father-figures within their lives. To be a father at a home means I need to be present to my sons, there for them in their ups and downs, their hobbies and interests, their successes and their failures.
Research also shows that the warmth of a dad is especially significant for children and young people growing in faith. Regardless of our theology, if the quality of our presence is poor then this can have a negative impact on our child’s openness to God. If we love our sons well and are there for them, then this can positively impact their faith as well as the whole of their lives.
In response to negative perceptions in society, we can tell our boys that it’s good to be boys and men
Secondly, it is important to affirm our sons’ identities as boys and young men
Lost Boys and other reports reveal that boys often receive the message that men are a problem, a message heard in educational settings as well as in the media. In a conversation with my younger son, he suggested that men are depicted as ‘strong and dumb’ in the shows he watches. The Lost Boys report also suggests that traditional markers of masculinity – such as courage, resilience and competitiveness – are not particularly valued in wider society.
In response to negative perceptions in society, we can tell our boys that it’s good to be boys and men, just as it is good for females to be girls and women. While we can and should critique harmful ways of expressing masculinity, it’s vital to highlight the many life-giving ways in which boys and men can live as citizens and disciples within our world. As Gareth Southgate pointed out in his talk, highlighting positive male role models is one response to this, and this is something we can do in homes and churches as well as in wider society.
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Thirdly, it’s important to talk with our sons about the challenges their generation faces
The Lost Boys report names a range of these challenges, and it was illuminating to chat about these with my sons (on whether girls are outperforming boys at school, my youngest son said, ‘well yes, that’s obvious!’) Watching Adolescence with my eldest son was also a chance to talk about some of the issues raised, while regularly chatting about news headlines over a meal is a helpful way to discuss faith and social issues.
Finally, it’s important that dads affirm the lives of all boys
The Lost Boys report starkly notes that, ‘Britain is suffering from an epidemic of fatherlessness’, and the reality is that in our churches and in wider society many households are without dads. Of course, single mums – and single dads – can do a brilliant job in raising their children, but the reality is that fathers and mothers bring different gifts to the table.
A significant role for the church is to provide a host of father figures for children in its midst, and especially for boys and young men without dads at home. If we really believe that the church is God’s family, then churches need to do better at supporting and discipling those without dads at home.
While I hope these suggestions are helpful, perhaps our main response to the Lost Boys report should be prayer. Our ‘Father in heaven’ (Matthew 6:9) is also the ‘father of the fatherless’ (Psalm 68:5), and so we can bring the needs our sons and the sons of the nation before Him, seeking His wisdom as we seek to serve the boys and young men of today’s generation.
