How Not to Mentor

Principle one: Ignore where you are

You wake up on a Monday morning, exhausted from a late night of reality TV, and a triple dose of curry after the youth service. Life’s too short for personal grooming - so you should keep your hair precisely the way that the morning has presented it to you. Then, remember to ‘be yourself’ which is code for ‘don’t think about what you’re wearing’. If mentoring in a school, wear what you always wear (reduces washing powder costs), and doodle a moustache on your ID badge. Stride confidently past the school’s code of conduct hanging on the wall and pop your copy of the safeguarding policy at the very bottom of your bag. There’s a world that needs rescuing and you need to get a move on. Making an impression is vital, so it’s a good idea to announce your arrival with gusto. Try leaning on the classroom doorframe, hand on hip, licking your lips. Winking at the teacher will add a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’.

Principle two: Forget why you’re there

The school will hope that mentoring provides a safe place for a young person to talk about what’s going on for them, and find practical coping strategies to help. That’s what the school expects. Asking about the reasons behind the mentoring will only arouse suspicions. The young person may also be reluctant to meet a stranger on their own so have your moustachioed ID badge ready in hand.

When in a room with a young person at the start of your mentoring session, lever your chair up a few notches to create that authoritative ‘looking down on you’ dynamic. If no lever, use a cushion. Avoid rapport at all costs.

Remember to hide all evidence of training courses and notes, preferably in a supermarket bag under your bed. Do not look there, ever. I repeat, do not look. If you have completed one of those ‘learning style’ questionnaires, scribble the words ‘psychologist- bunk’ in red capital letters across it. If you have scored ‘high’ on activist and low on ‘theorist’, be chuffed because, ‘Faith without action is dead’. Pay no attention to theorists who will quote you Proverbs 19:2: ‘Enthusiasm without knowledge is dangerous’.

Principle three: Make up what you are doing as you go along

If it goes quiet in your mentoring session see if you can go from a pregnant silence to a laboured one. You can do this by fiddling with your phone, checking Twitter, or better still - go through your entire list of ring tones. Don’t consider preparing resources or ideas beforehand. As long as you look like you’re ‘trusting in the Lord’, no-one will question you.

It is true that pictures can be used as good metaphors - life is a roller coaster, for example - and can be a helpful distraction when young people may lack confidence in making eye contact. But make sure you explain them at length. Whatever the metaphor, it doesn’t matter. Just go on for ages, and repeat yourself.

When an awkward moment arises, this is your chance to get out the Famous quotes from the stars book given to you in the office secret santa. Challenge yourself to memorise the ones by Shrek (and discard anything by Mother Teresa or Winston Churchill).

Principle four: Tell them, don’t ask them

In mentoring sessions, it’s important you have the answers to every question never asked. When making eye contact, furrow your brow. It will put others off interrupting you. Bear in mind that curiosity killed lots and lots of cats. And also ignore the fact that Jesus valued people so much that he actually asked them what they wanted even when it seemed ‘blindingly obvious’ (e.g. with the blind man in Mark 10:46-52).

Principle five: It’s all down to you

Getting stuck is just a crisis of confidence. If you are working in a team, look busy. Raise your Famous quotes from the stars book to your nose, to demonstrate how seriously you’re taking your responsibilities.

Sociologists say that ‘the Millennial generation want a Yoda, not a boss’ which means it’s time to develop a Star Wars fascination. Don’t go weak and start praying under your breath for wisdom when you need it - only loud prayers whilst bouncing on the spot will do - and remember: no questions. If there is a task to do, take it upon yourself to do it ahead of the next session. Delegation only leads to relegation.

Principle six: Don’t pause for breath

If you have time to reflect on progress - then you are slacking. Remember: ‘He who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God’ (Luke 9:62). Taking a few minutes to write up notes from the mentoring session straight after, ready for next week, will only add to your paperwork and increase the risk of RDI (Repetitive Doodle Injury). If you come across any paperwork (*shudder*) call the Youthwork hotline immediately.

Remember: practise these principles when no one else is looking, and you will have ineffectiveness well and truly mastered.