Help! I love my youth group but not my church

I joined a large church  of 600-800 people.  

I found the level of control over all the different elements of such a complicated church almost lacking in reliance on God, and surprisingly business-minded. Prayers in all areas of church life are short and to the point as time is limited, services are put together with the same template each week with a sermon and songs slotted in the week beforehand. Rarely is any creativity and much is done with words rather than incorporating other learning styles.  

I thought that I would have scope within my role to carefully offer suggestions, howev­er this is frowned upon. For instance, we have a morning service and I was concerned that boys were finding it very feminine, child-fo­cused and dull. It was pointed out to me that boy’s attendance was dwindling and I sug­gested that we considered how this group was engaged with during the service. I offered some suggestions and they have never been used or followed up on. I am in my fifth year and we still have the same issues. I spoke at my interview about the need for youth work to have a family resemblance to the church and this was encouraged, however in reality I’m not permitted to begin this conversa­tion. I am sad that the church doesn’t listen to the young people’s stories and the different passions for worship, justice, leadership and evangelism that they share.  

Our young people struggle to see passion for Jesus among the adults. Once, in setting up for a youth event in the church, a group of flower arrangers came in and started saying terrible things about each other. It was the sort of gossiping I might hear in school, but it was shocking to hear it from these ladies.  

I am still in post but I got really fed up with retreating in to the youth team every time wider church stuff got messy, poking my head back out and trying again whenever I had the energy. I have shared with my team about the drama triangle and how when tough times hit we can go into one of three positions (per­secutor, rescuer and victim) - none of these are healthy, so instead we have to transcend the drama and focus instead on the life-giv­ing power of God. It has been transforma­tional and has meant that the youth team is more stable and less likely to suffer burnout. I have also asked God to show me individuals to get to know in the church, so that I can stay connected and not become a separate wing. I have planned a testimony tour for our young people at half-term where they go on a trea­sure hunt around our town, visiting different people from church and hearing their testi­monies. This will build unity and a much bet­ter understanding of each other. The church is full of amazing people who have got bogged down in all of the factions and politics. They seem to love opportunities to lift their eyes up and see what God is doing in the lives of our young people.  

My advice would be this: try not to leave. Sometimes the greater lesson is in staying and persevering. I have learnt so much and often remind myself of the plank in my own eye. I also remind myself weekly of the call I felt to come here. I then ask, ‘Have you still got more for me to do here?’ The answer is always yes. God has often shown me that I have a choice to stay, not an obligation. Almost each time I’ve said ‘I’ve had enough’, a job offer from else­where has come in or I’ve spotted a vacancy online. None of them have felt right and I know I want to see this work and my young people through to the end of what I said would be ten years. This has all reminded me that God has given us free will; we can leave. However, I am starting to see the fruit and joy of staying. I wouldn’t miss this for anything!  

It’s impossible to be in any work situation and not find frustrations. 

However in my context the real frustrations started when there were clear disparities over priorities between myself and the other staff and the elders. There was a real breakdown in communication: service structures and styles were not youth friendly (think ‘Give me oil in my lamp’) and constructive feedback was not acted upon. There was also a real conflict in vision and how youth work should look, and no willingness to discuss the conflict. The church was being run as more of a business with high focus on figures and targets, and less as a church.  

There were significant personality clashes during this time, and due to the lack of min­ister, no support processes or resolutions. It quickly became a ‘them and us’ situation.  Things carried on in this manner for a year or so until out of the blue my position was made redundant. Financial reasons were stated but it was clear these were not the sole reasons. I worked the end of my redundancy period and then left.  

I think for me, the two biggest pieces of advice are to remain professional and keep your integrity. The young people look to you as an example of how to behave in many walks of life, and church is part of that. They need to see that, yes, hurt happens in church, but we deal with it properly, gently and lovingly. Not with angry words or deeds. That doesn’t mean we can’t get passionate, or fight our corner, but we do so in such a way that our integrity, and the integrity of the church and the young people, remains as intact as possible. Remember who the priority is. My faith would survive this encounter (if a bit battered and bruised), but if the youth left the church at this stage, angry at the church, then they may never return. So I worked hard to ensure they stayed.  

I applied for a job as a  part-time youth worker.  

The church is mainly made up of older people and a few younger families. When I started everybody was nice and welcoming, but that’s about it. My youth group consisted of no more than four young people on any given Sunday. Part of the problem always felt like everybody wanted young people, but nobody wanted to work with them. Getting volunteers to help out on a Sunday was very difficult.  

I could only work for 18 hours each week, which was logged on a timesheet. By the time I knew what I was getting myself into, I could easily be doing 20 - 25 hours and I would have the rector telling me that I was working too hard and to work less, which is good in a way, but also sad as youth work isn’t something you can squeeze into a few hours. Making time for youth groups meant that I had to stop other things such as mentoring. What this eventually led to was not accounting for some of the things I did. The church was unwilling to pay me for more hours or hire another part-time youth worker, even though I started a youth group which started with four and ended with about 20.  

When I started the youth group, none of the church got involved but I managed to get a friend to help me out on most weeks. When we started getting big, even though I had asked for help, nobody approached me to help. It felt like there was a massive disjoint between where youth group was and where church was. It actually felt as though I was an external youth worker hiring out a hall to run a youth group.    

What eventually happened was I was offered a full-time job (outside the church). I haven’t left the church. I’m still their youth worker, but I’ve had to cut down on a lot of the groups I ran. My hope was for another youth worker to be hired so that I could support them in their work and not be as frustrated with the church. Unfortunately we haven’t got round to hiring another youth worker yet.  

While I was in the role, the way I over­came problems was praying a lot and really seeking God in all of this. It didn’t change the situation I was in, but God changed me. When I was short on help, I would ask my Christian mates to help out. My advice would be to get a prayer support network, whether it’s a deanery support group, the local youth workers or just a bunch of mates. Don’t leave because it’s too difficult.

My job was hard work.  

There were high expectations about delivering quality work, and I was under-managed and under-supported. But I loved the young people. My priority was doing good work with them, so when the leadership demanded that I do extra work the compromise I made was giving more of my own time and energy so as not to impact the young people. In the end that was pretty exhausting.

Ultimately, I burnt out and became real­ly unwell. Work made me feel ill; I’d go home and cry all the time, and could barely per­suade myself to get out of bed. But I still loved working with the young people, and could still really enjoy that part of the job. I didn’t want to leave because of the positive work that was happening there.

It took me six to eight months of burnout to finally reach the conclusion that I had to go, because even though I wanted to keep supporting the young people, I wouldn’t be capable of doing that even if I stayed. It was almost more loving to leave and hope some­one new could come in and cope with the job, rather than stay and just go off sick and leave them without anyone.

I still hear the stories of how the church culture and people are actually hurting the young people, sometimes in the ways I expe­rienced while there (I think I was a bit of a human shield for the young people at times), so it’s an ongoing battle!

I created a small army of people support­ing me. I had a counsellor, a boyfriend, a fam­ily, experienced youth work professionals, god parents, and good friends. All these peo­ple wanted the best for me and for the youth work. From all I asked for complete honesty. They weren’t paying me lip service. When I asked for advice, I wanted them to be brutal­ly honest – if I was out of line on something, I wanted to know from them first, so I could do things right. Don’t surround yourself just with sympathetic ‘yes men’. Surround your­self with people who will be on your side, but give you real, grounded, honest, sometimes difficult advice. Then you can trust you’re doing the right things.  

Some situations are fixable with some blood, sweat and tears; some are not. Leav­ing is not losing or giving up or failing. Some­times leaving is the last and only act left to us. And sometimes leaving is the last act of love we can show to our young people and our church. If you possibly can, figure out what it looks like to leave well, for the sake of the young people - whatever that looks like in your context.

Both churches I’ve worked for believed that Christian youth work was about telling young people about Christianity.  

It was about giving them the answers so that they could tick them off.  

Bible college taught me that youth work was about journeying with young people and allowing them to find the answers. Obvious­ly you guide them, but that would be done on the journey. For me youth work is not the ten things you must know in order to be a good Christian. Things always came to a head when a young person came out with a different answer than what the leaders of the church thought was the answer. They then believed it was my job to point out the error and make sure the young person believed the ‘right’ thing. I didn’t want the young people relying on me for all their answers; it had to be their faith, one they had to own and grap­ple with. I guess what would have helped was to have those kinds of discussions at inter­view stage - for both sides to spell out what their idea of youth work practice was.

This way of doing youth work manifest­ed itself in other ways. For example, I once chaired a Q&A for the young people with some of the leaders of the church. One of the young people asked whether or not Adam and Eve were real physical people. All of the panel said yes. I then threw in that I didn’t think they had to be (in order to bring balance and a different perspective). The leaders then passed on what I had said to the minister, who had a word with me. He believed that Adam and Eve were real, and that it would be confusing for the young people to hear the opposing views - so I should go along with what he said.

That was probably a breaking point for me, as I felt it went against my understanding of youth work, and so I continued to work with the young people but lost a lot of faith in the church.

It really helped me to have someone outside of the church to talk to about it. It didn’t necessarily mean anything changed but it gave me a chance to air my views. It also helped me to be accountable. There is a danger that the negativity you feel towards the church will seep through to the young people, so it helps to have someone who can pull you up on that.

I was newly married, in a  new area, and struggling  with depression. It was  very hard to have a work  and life balance.  

It was a busy church with a lot happening and high expectations on the staff. I often found myself feeling exhausted and not wanting to be in the church. I felt lonely and wanted to have someone to work alongside. I think the church had overly high expectations and my job description was huge. Being a woman in ministry, when your spouse works full-time too, is really tricky. I was doing a six day week, he was working long shifts and it felt like we hardly saw each other. I also started feel trapped by the church’s theology. It didn’t suit my way of ministry.

I ended up signed off sick and eventually left. I carried on supporting and seeing the young people I had contact with, and whose families who had become friends of ours. It hurt for a long time. I asked for prayer when I was able to.  

My advice to people would be to make sure support is in place for you in your role. Take your days off and be protective of them. Try to plan your holidays throughout the year so you take it. Try to have some time in other churches or services where you can just be you and not ‘the’ youth worker. Plan time with your spouse or family and make it an import­ant part of your week. Have a homegroup or a small group where you can continue to grow. When you look at a new job, check that you agree with the churches beliefs. Does their style of worship or their view on evangelism match yours or will it be a source of tension? How does the church see youth work - is it just something they feel they ought to do or is it an important part of the church’s mission?  

The lack of investment in young people in my church, and specifically discipleship, is a real frustration for me.  

I live with the tension because I’m preparing our young people to go and bless other churches when they go off to university. Often our young people don’t come back here and settle elsewhere.  

The only way forward is to invest in your young people. Take your young people to other youth events and let then experience gath­ering together. When I was a young person I actually left my church because of this issue. I’m so thankful that I met others in a similar situation. Pray that you have opportunities to talk to the leadership about how the style of worship can be changed to accommodate the young people. What would the youth like to see? How can they input their ideas?  

If I had to try and explain succinctly what frustrates me about my church it would be the ‘culture’.  

The culture of the church as a whole isn’t something that I would say looks like Jesus. That’s not to say that there aren’t godly, kingdom people who are part of the church; there are. It’s just that, generally, lots of little issues and decisions add up to a church that looks a little too comfortable, a little too insular, and a little too preoccupied with people pleasing.  

I’m frustrated that a lot of the stuff that existed for young people before my time at my church was very much focused around lots of fun games, and the young people were just expected to tolerate a ‘God bit’ before doing more fun things. I’m sad that some leaders seem to impart the view that the God stuff is the boring bit and everything else is fun. It’s frustrating trying to change that culture to one where the kingdom of God is the place where we see exciting stuff happen, when only a few of the people who lead the young people really believe that and want to see it happen. It’s frustrating that we hear all the right words and ideas from the front, from church leaders in ‘vision evenings’, but never really seeing it lived out. It’s frustrating try­ing to teach the young people what it means to live as people who walk in God’s kingdom when their parents have no idea how to do that themselves, and they don’t see it mod­elled by any grown-ups in church.  

I really love my young people, and I love the families in the community that I now have a relationship with after working here for just a short amount of time. I’m commit­ted to my church because of where it is in the community and because the young people need someone who is in it for the long haul, who won’t up and leave after ‘doing their time’ and who will grow up with them. It’s my heart to be a constant for them, to be Jesus to them and their families and to see Jesus move in our community.