The Royal College of Pediatrics and Child Health has renewed calls for smacking to be banned in England. Kate Olson welcomes the idea
See here for an alternative view
The Research is unequivocal; smacking children is harmful. Studies have shown that the negative effects of smacking include problems with social-emotional development, self-regulation, and cognitive development. Smacking also alters children’s brain response in ways similar to severe maltreatment and it increases the perception of threats.
What does the Bible say?
Yet how do we reconcile this with what the Bible says? Proverbs 23:13 says, ‘Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.’ Then there is Proverbs 13.24 which says, ‘Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.’
Well the key word here is ‘discipline.’ In the Hebrew discipline is, ‘musar’ - meaning, ‘Discipline, instruction, correction, chastisement.’ God requires us to guide our children and correct them if they do something wrong, but that doesn’t necessarily mean smacking. The rod spoken about in the proverbs refers to a shepherd’s rod that was used to gently guide sheep on the right path and was only used to scare away predatory animals. It was not used for violence against the sheep.
What does science say?
Before becoming a Christian four years ago, I trained as a parent educator with an organisation called Hand in Hand Parenting. From Hand in Hand, I learnt about the brain science of why children misbehave. The human brain is wired for connection to others. The limbic system of a child’s brain can be viewed as a radar which seeks out a sense of safety with an adult. When that sense of connection breaks, misbehaviour results. It’s like a red flag waving saying, ‘help, I need connection! When your child pulls the cat’s tail, or hits a sibling, when they do those things that seem like they are ‘just’ doing it for attention, it’s actually a legitimate need.
What did Jesus do?
Jesus taught his disciples as a shepherd tends his sheep, through gentle instruction, guidance, love, and stories. In the Old Testament there were strict punishments for grave sins such as adultery and murder. In the new covenant, we are privileged to seek and receive Jesus’s forgiveness. Christian parenting experts have often recommended smacking as a strong reprimand against sin. Yet, Jesus never mentioned it. As parents we can use Jesus as an example for our parenting, and the rod as a metaphor for gentle guidance.
The value of authoritative gentle parenting
The best way to teach does not include being hurt. When the body experiences pain it goes into fight or flight. The brain interprets pain signals as a message to go into survival mode. During those moments, quick thinking is needed, not the slow, rational, reasoning that can help a child learn.
God wrote his law on our hearts. Deep down, we all know right from wrong. When I became a Christian after being a non-believing adult for 41 years, I experienced the lifting of a burden I didn’t know I was carrying; the weight of sin and guilt.
When our children do something wrong, they know deep down. They feel bad, even if they don’t show it. They don’t need punishment to teach them it was wrong. What they need instead is a parent who helps prevent them from sinning.
What is needed is ‘authoritative’ gentle parenting where a parent offers a high level of attention and correction, but in a gentle manner.
‘Gentle parenting’ is a broad term that is used to describe parents who do not punish their children or give consequences. What sometimes happens with gentle parents is that they become permissive parents. They allow their children to misbehave, and then try to reason with them gently, but find this isn’t enough to control the behaviour. Permissive parenting is actually a form of emotional neglect because a child’s misbehaviour is a red flag signalling that they need connection. By allowing the misbehaviour, the child hasn’t received the connection they need.
The other end of the spectrum is the authoritarian punishing model, where the child fears harsh consequences. In this case they might misbehave less, but in the long run the connection between parent and child can be fractured because they fear punishment. They might hide their sin struggles as older children, or teens. They might harbour anger and resentment towards that parent.
What is needed is ‘authoritative’ gentle parenting where a parent offers a high level of attention and correction, but in a gentle manner.
This kind of parenting is not easy. Parenting is hard because when our children misbehave it can trigger unconscious memories of the way we were parented. We might find ourselves wanting to react the way our parents reacted to us, and while they did their best, very little was known about gentle parenting in previous generations.
Thankfully we do not have to do it alone but can be guided by God’s Holy Spirit: “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” - Matthew 19:26
For an alternative view see here
Further resources
Jesus: The Gentle Parent By LK Knost
The Flourishing Family by Dr David and Amanda Erickson.
Playful Parenting by Dr. Lawrence Cohen is a good secular recourse.
Research - on smacking and the brain.
