Kate Orson looks through the problems of pornography and the responses that are available to Christian parents
The statistics are bleak. A 2023 report from the UK Children’s Commissioner found that by the age of 13 half of all children have viewed pornography. The porn that is freely available on the internet isn’t like the magazines of the past. Videos are often harsh, involving scenes of sexual coercion and aggression.
Viewing such material can have a lasting negative effect on young people’s bodies and sexuality. They can grow up with a distorted perception of what sex is, with a lack of understanding of the need for consent and boundaries.
When we look at our children it can be hard to imagine that they would view pornography out of choice. But curiosity or accidently stumbling on something during an innocuous internet search can lead to seeking out porn.
Viewing these images can be disturbing, yet they can also spark curiosity about what has popped up. Children may continue to look at a site they’ve accidentally come across to try and make sense out of what they’ve viewed. They may experience pleasure, despite the disturbing nature of the videos. In some cases, this leads to porn addiction, where more and more content is sought out, of a more and more extreme form to satisfy the craving. Porn use plays havoc on people’s ability to have healthy, sexual relationships the way God intended.
What can parents do?
Pray
The threat of pornography can be overwhelming. We may struggle to know what to say, and when to say it. As with other issues in family life the most important thing to do is to pray. Whilst you might be concerned, pray along with Paul that you would not be anxious about anything but by prayer and petition you would present your requests to God. God promises that his peace will guard your heart and mind (Philippians 4:6-7). That prayer is for yourself, that you would not be anxious but then it is also for the situation itself as you bring your sons and daughters to God in prayer along with the specific contexts of the technology, character and friends they have.
Think
Do some research to help yourself understand the issues around pornography and more of the details about how to help your youth and children. There are a number of organisations that can give you lots of details and support, including The Naked Truth Project and Lovewise. That said, the parents in your church as well as your church leaders and any youth and children’s workers you may have ought to provide a good field of people to pick from when looking for others to discuss the issues with. You’ll need to choose who to talk to with care, but you probably already know who the best people will be in your context.
Discuss
Once you’ve prayed and thought things through, you can then begin age-appropriate conversations with your children about God’s design for sex. Conversations can be planned or arise spontaneously in the moment. Most experts agree that it shouldn’t be a one off ‘talk,’ but something ongoing that occurs naturally as part of family life. There are helpful resources out there that can help, for example the book ‘Good Pictures. Bad Pictures’ by Kristen Jenson and Gail Poyner, is designed to explain to children aged 6-11 what pornography is and how to avoid it. It’s a great way to start an ongoing open sensitive conversation from a young age.
One day I had been talking with a Christian friend, about sex education, and the issues surrounding pornography. I prayed about how to communicate with my daughter. I felt really out of my depth after living my whole life with a ‘worldly’ view of sexuality and then becoming a Christian in my early forties. A few days later my daughter and I wanted to watch a film - we ended up finding a free website (a big mistake on my part!). Half-way through the film a porn advert flashed up. It appeared so quickly that my daughter didn’t see it clearly, but it shocked me out of my complacency enough to explain what it was, and why we have to be really careful about what we view on the internet. I’m acutely aware of how many stories I’ve heard about Christian pastors with secret porn addictions. As parents we can create a culture of openness, and honesty about our own failings, so that our children feel safe to come to us with whatever struggles they are going through.
Connect
While sadly, most children will stumble across pornography, not all will fall into addiction. Addictions expert and author of Lost Connections, Johann Hari has written about how ‘the opposite of addiction is connection.’ Healthy family relationships, nurturing the parent-child connection, and leading our children to connect to their heavenly father are the best antidote to addictive behaviour, so let’s also use the medicine of positive connection to combat the poison of pornography.
